i prayed every day and night for this and my prayers were finally answered. thank you

 

isaac

 i saw your wife at a cafe a long time ago. it's funny how everything leads back to you. you were the nicest person i ever met. 

i have dreams about you sometimes 

my stomach is empty. i hate my family and i feel so alone

it seems like you are the only person that makes sense. 

you are the only person i trust. i would give you my life 

i have no sense of meaning being here. i trust you with every inch of my soul. im dying and it seems like nobody notices. this illness is giving me meaning but it tears me apart.

my bones. i can count every rib in the mirror. my eyes are sunken in, i feel like a walking corpse. 

i need to have someone to think of so i wont die. i fear that i can never be that pillar for someone. my heart is empty

i dont think i can be someone to somebody and that has to be okay. this road i am travelling is meaningless. why would anyone want to love me. 

i am waiting for someone to take from me again. someone who will break my heart and put it back together again. 

i would give you everything if you could take this pain, this baggage away from you. this fucking sickness is killing me. i would die for you if i hqd to. if i had to i would

post 1

 i created this blog to document all my thoughts, my hopes and dreams and my memories. this depression i am fighting is an ongoing battle that nearly i fail at every day. my body aches and my head feels like its spinning every time i wake up. no medicine or herbal remedies will ever cure this lifelong sickness. but i try to not let it consume me.

i named this blog emails i never sent. i initially started writing to an ex partner via email. i found it was therapeutic and while those emails were never actually friendly.. it gave me an outlet. so eventually i found this instead. 

i am writing from the computer provided at the shelter here in my town. i think it will be a long time before i find my way. 

letting go of someone when you are already in a tough spot is never easy. as i went through my sent emails.. i noticed that i never actually got a response back. for many months i was lost without this person. i can feel people's eyes on me sometimes. not out of lust but for concern, like they can tell this sadness is written all over my face. 

most men are selfish and want to take from you. i learned that the hard way. 

i have been told that time heals all wounds. 

i always thought time would bring us back to each other, but i think i have been misinterpreting it all along. the kind of care i need from someone isn't the kind he is providing. and i think that has to do with the person he is, not the person who he will become. the person he is. 

all in due time. when it is right and this person feels right, my answer will be clear as water. 

i made a promise to myself october 19th, that i will give my heart to someone that actually deserves it.